happy birthday, adrian vega

well, we made it!  he is officially one year old today.  it is amazing to think how fast that went by.  exactly one year ago today, he was emerging from me - well, they used the vacuum - it was not as romantic.  but he was finally here at 4:13 am and i was full of adrenaline somehow after a 27 hour labor!  i couldn't stop looking at him and touching him and was in awe that he was here and that he was ours.  it was what i like to call scary/beautiful.  i cried much those days.  i imagined him getting in his car for the first time by himself at 16 and driving away from me, i imagined him getting married and looking back to blow me a kiss and i just wept.  not even a day old and making his mother cry.  how could he.  his pure existence made me squirm.  i couldn't take it back.  all the blood, sweat, and tears were now a part of my story.  and a new story.  a new life had begun and i was in a super conscious state.  

over the months of breast feeding and pumping and sleepless nights that still come even now, i have come to enjoy my little project.  i have killed cactus, so i was afraid.  but i have done quite well.  i am still breast feeding and have successfully reached my goal, but will continue to follow that path for as long as it will take me.  it has been difficult.  it has been ugly.  it has been wonderful.  it has been sweet.  and as i lay him down this evening and whispered my loving mama thoughts in his tiny ear, i like to think that he knows deep down.  my love for him is endless.  as long as i have breath, he will be etched in my thoughts.  happy birthday, adrian vega...